1/2 a God-- Alpha
by: Matt Lewis

    Oscir sat there, by his/her pool, pondering the existence of
Twinkies.

    "One more entry?" something asked.

    "Only if you--," Oscir leered before being cut off by something
very sharp and very metal being pressed to his/her/its throat.

    "One more entry?" something asked again, just as polite.

    "One more entry," Oscir agreed. "Who-what are you?" 

    "I am," something said dramatically, "someone sick and tired of
so-called gods interfering in the lives of man!"

    Something flung off the cowl it was wearing, only to reveal:

    "Nietzche?" Oscir asked. "How the hell'd you get up here?

    "Well, I've come to personify nihilism for so many, even though
I only really influenced nihilism and was in actuality an
existentialist, but that's not the point."
   
    "So, you want to make change?"

    "Yes. We have seen Ranma, so now I shall give you super-Ranma!"

    "And afterwards maybe we could--"

    "You want me to be more specific when I say 'God is dead?'"
Nietzche held up the knife again. Oscir shook its head. "Good, then
shut up and watch."

*******************************************************************


A long time ago, in China:


    A man called Nietzche struggled with intense philosophical and
metaphysical issues. He sat by a pool, filled in a valley of pools.
The place translated to something like, "pools of sorrow." Nietzche
liked this name, it resonated with a lot of his thoughts. He looked
at the pool when inspiration hit.

    "God is dead," he announced to the world for the first time,
staring deeply into the pool. He picked up a pebble and tossed it
in, contemplating the ripples on the surface as well as the
pebble's journey to the bottom of the pool. The water was quite
clear and Nietzche was able to see much of the pebble's journey.


Not so long ago, in China:

    "This place don't seem so bad. Legendary training ground?" a
young man with his hair pulled back into a tail said.

    "Quiet, boy. The brochure said...," an older, larger and
perhaps fatter man said.

    The young man tuned his father's speech out. "I'm ready when
you are, old man," he said, leaping to the top of one of the bamboo
poles sticking out of the pools.

    The father did the same. "I won't go easy on you, Ranma!"

    "Just the way I like it, pops."

    The father and son, both martial artists if you had not already
guessed by their gis, leapt from pole to pole, attacking each other
in mid-air. The boy got in the first real blow, sending his father
careening into a pool-- I'm sure you can guess which one.
    Needless to say, a large panda erupted from the pool the father
fell into and proceeded to balance itself on a pole and attack
Ranma, who immediately fell into a pool.

    A being, not human but looking so, exited the pool. Its
features could not be made out, though it was beautiful in its
glory. Its sexuality could not be told either-- male, female, both
or neither. It nearly glowed with some indefinable aura that
inspired immediate awe and worship.
    A man, fatter than the father came out of a nearby hut running
full tilt at the panda with a steaming kettle.

    "Oh sir, very bad you fall in pool of drowned panda. Very
tragic story of...," the Jusenkyo Guide poured the water over the
panda, restoring it to human form, but his speech trailed off as he
took a look at what had become of the younger of the two customers.

    "Oh dear. Even more tragic story about to happen, methinks."

    "Why, what for?" asked the father, Genma, who was readjusting
his glasses. 

    "Younger customer fall into spring of drowned God. Very tragic
story of existentialist," the Guide had a firm grounding in the
humanities and was familiar with many types of philosophy. One
tends to question reality when one sees people fall into a pool of
water and come out as something else, "who make great revelation
while at pool."

    Genma blinked. "Which god?"

    "You no understand, mister customer, sir. I mean _God_.
Capitalised God. Not _a_ god, but _the_ God, if you get drift,
honoured sir."

    "I see. That could be a problem, couldn't it?"

    The Guide nodded emphatically.

    "Bollocks," said God-who-was-formerly-known-as-the-mortal-named
Ranma. "I'm not putting up with this shite no more!"

    "Er, son? What's with the accent?" Genma asked the Lord.

    "Eh? Oh. Right. That. It felt right. You got a problem with
that?"

    Genma shook his head furiously. He most definitely did not have
a problem with any accent Divinity had. 

    God sniffed. "Right then. No bowing or scraping to me though. I
hate that. Really gets on my nerves that does. Never get anything
done. Now, there's something I gotta do to stop all this nonsense,
and then I'm going to appear on an ink-stain in Talahassee."

    "But Lord, you can't! We have to go to Nerima to--"

    "Yes, yesyesyes, I know, I know. The engagement. I know all
about that. Fringe benefit of omniscience and omnipotence," God
said gruffly. "Well, I'm going to have none of that! You can just
sod off if you think that you're going to engage me to someone like
that without my consent!"

    "Er, honoured customer and Lord Almighty?" the Guide
interjected. "Accent is slipping again."

    "I know that, I just don't care! Now, about that engagement
thing!" He said, rounding on Genma. He clapped His hands together
and said, "Fantoosh! There! No more engagement. Never happened. You
never made any agreement with anyone for your son to be married!"

    God disappeared for a moment, but not before Genma and the
Guide could hear something about, "that's enough of this 'silly
buggers' stuff."

************************   ****************************************

    Oscir blinked. "What was that?"

    Nietzche just smiled. "Wait a bit. I think I'll just stick
around in back here, for a bit, out of everyone's way."



    "Who the hell are you?" Osciir God of really crappy fanfiction
asked,
staring at an unwashed fat guy wearing a huge peace medallion, tie died
shirt and bell bottom pants.  "I am Saykedilic, god of Disco, am I too
late to give my entry?" he asked as if singing strains from the
Beegee's
Staying Alive song.  

    Osciir looked at him and said. "I like you, you're silly. We start
new
round of entries, just before you get here."  

    The god of Disco was perturbed over the interplay of emotions on
the cat's face and decided to take the only course possible...
"Herestheficenjoyandbyenow!" he said as he zoomed out of the room.

    Osciir read the fic then reread it again and began laughing.  "Oh
man this is rich!"

>From the demented mind of Sako
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
The Panda that ate Tokyo

    "Ooh sirs, very bad to fall in spring."

*splash*

    "Oh no, come young sir, we go!" cried the Jusenkyo Guide while
dragging
Ranma behind him.

    "Whoah, wait a minute what about my pop?"Ranma asked while removing
the guide's hand from his arm. 

    "Customer fell into very tragic spring, he fell into spring of
drowned
giant panda, now whoever fall in spring take body of giant panda." 

    Ranma shrugged while trying to keep pace with the guide "So what?
Giant
pandas may be as big as bears but they're harmless." 

    The Guide shook his head and replied "Not giant panda, Giant panda!
Prehistoric ancestor of Panda that is big like mountain, has brain
smaller than
pea and appetite bigger that whole of Jusenkyo!"

    Suddenly the whole valley shook and a great black clawed hand
emerged from
the pool where Genma Saotome fell bearing a huge wooden sign that said
"Hungry!" 



**********************************************************************


Neon Genesis Fiancees
by: Avatar

    "Who you?" asked Oscir, divinity of Really Crappy Fanfiction.

    A long goateed and wild haired Japanese man replied, "Hideki
Anno," very cheerfully.

    "What you god of?"

    Hideki resisted the urge to slap Oscir-- he did not know where
Oscir had been, after all, and was quite willing to keep it that way,
thankyouverymuch.

    "You don't get out much, do you? Ever hear of Evangelion?"

    "Oyea. That you? Hear's dark. Depressing. You happy though!"

    "Yes. Well, you'd be surprised how happy you can get when the
royalty cheques start coming in. Very happy, very quickly." Anno
wipes away a tear and sniffles. "Why, I've even got that turnip I had
my eye on for the past two months!"

    An half-full bottle of strange pills fell out of Anno's hand,
giving another explanation to his behaviour. "You see," said the pills
in the bottle, "it really hacks us off when he's depressed, so we just
kick the pleasure centers in his brain to step up the production and
release of endorphins. Works very well, don't you know."

    Oscir blinked and tried to make a grab for the bottle before
screaming in pain.

    "You know," said the pills conversationally, "We can do the
opposite as well, so back off!"


*********************************************************************


    Ranma stood in the middle of the deserted street. Why in heck would 
Pop take him into the middle of a huge (yet strangely empty) city and 
split? And who in -hell- would bother to send him a postcard, telling 
him to meet them at this corner at this time? (He studiously avoided 
wondering how a wandering pair of martial artists got a postcard in 
the first place.)

    Moreover, where were those attack helicopters going?

    Ranma turned around, and glimpsed a flash of a girl, maybe
eighteen, dressed in an apron. She smiled, made a little wave motion
with her hand, and vanished.

    Ranma shrugged, as it hadn't been the first time that he'd seen 
visions... though, granted, most of them were induced by impending 
starvation. He mentally resolved to eat more at his next meal and 
looked down the other side street.

    From behind one of the nearby hills, several VTOL craft backed away 
from something... and then the something rounded the hill. It stood 
two hundred meters tall, a third of which was a massive, wrinkled, 
bald, laughing head. The huge monster's words were lost into subsonic 
hum, but it jumped with glee as a bomb the size of a boulder 
shattered a dozen tanks into scrap metal.

    "Cool," Ranma thought.

    The monster, now capering on one leg and patting its rear in an 
obvious taunt, flung another bomb into the city's core. This one blew 
a gaping hole in the intersection nearest Ranma, launching a spray of 
concrete shards his way. He set his feet, preparing to easily bat the 
shrapnel out of his way... and slipped on an inconveniently placed 
banana peel.

    A shadow fell on Ranma, and a series of pinging noises told him
that the crack on the head would be the worst of his injuries. Looking
up, he saw a car, with a passenger door open, and the driver (a young 
woman, he noted) waving frantically for him to get inside. Never one 
to turn down a lift, Ranma complied.

    "Stupid. What TENDO want with you, Shampoo doesn't know. Close door 
and we get going!"

    "Sure, okay... hey, isn't that dress a little short?"

    "What pervert boy talking about? Is perfectly normal Chinese
dress."

    Ranma sweatdropped. "Uh, yeah. I need to get back out; I was
supposed to meet somebody..."

    "Supposed to meet Shampoo. Shampoo take you to TENDO, have you meet 
new fiancee."

    "Oh, no you don't. No WAY am I gettin' married!" Ranma pried at the 
door handle, but it refused to open.

    "Stupid pilot. Shampoo have electronic locks," she crowed, as Ranma 
grew more and more frustrated. For a second, something sparkled in 
her eyes, and a muted 'aiyah!' escaped from her lips.

    Ranma phrased an extremely intelligent reply, given the situation. 
"Huh?"

    "DUCK!"

    A wall of compressed air picked up the car and flung it like a 
child's toy, finally coasting to a stop upside-down on an embankment. 
Ranma spluttered, wiped her face, and hoped that the Chinese girl 
didn't notice her discomfort. Why would somebody drive around with an 
uncovered glass of ice water in a cupholder, anyway?

    "What happen to you, Ranma? You grow bust?" Shampoo took a closer 
look at her passenger. "Hey, is you! Smart-ass girl that crash 
tournament last month! How did you get picked as pilot?"

    "I dunno about anything like that!" Ranma shouted. "Pilot? Pilot 
what? And don't tell me that you're going to try to kill me again!"

    "Of course not; Shampoo on company time right now. TENDO contract 
with Chinese Amazon for security purposes. Besides, Shampoo think 
that she can let you live... fate probably worse than death, anyway."

    Ranma swallowed hard. "I really don't like the sound of that..."

---

    Ranma yawned as the car, now riding on a huge train-type thing, 
passed through yet another shutter. Interesting design, though. The 
romaji letters T-E-N-D-O were ranged below a silhouette of a weeping 
willow tree.

    "So, um... can I get some hot water?"

    "What, does Shampoo look like coffee machine? Shut up and be 
patient."

---

    The room was big. Very big. An agoraphobe would get the willies 
passing through, unless the lights were off, in which case he'd soil 
himself and gibber in fear.

    Ranma spent his entire life outdoors, however. He wasn't afraid in 
the least. Well, except for the last comment made by the Amazon. And 
the muffled breathing in the background, which would have been really 
strange if it hadn't been loud enough to account for a herd of 
elephants and was thus probably fake. The blonde in the lab coat 
wasn't helping matters... for some reason, the hair on the back of 
his neck was standing straight out, ever since he'd met her, and he 
had this strange urge to find a ball of string.

    "So, what are you doing here? I don't recognize ya."

    "What, you think that the author wanted to spend the time to come
up with a fusion for every Tom, Dick, and Ritsuko?" The blonde snorted. 
"Besides, I'm going to let them explain."

    She gestured dramatically, and the darkened cavern lit up from 
concealed and dramatically-placed lights, illuminating what appeared 
to be a three-hundred-foot tall schoolgirl with long black hair. 

    Ranma spent a moment looking over her. "How... uncute."

    One eyebrow, the size of a small pickup, twitched. Ranma felt more 
than heard somebody whisper, "Hey, you're no prize yourself."

    Standing on a smaller platform, just above her head, was...

    "Hey, pop, what're you doing up there? And when did you get that 
suit?"

    Genma furiously scrubbed the back of his head. Not only was he
rather embarrassed by the question, but the grey wig that he'd obtained
from Costuming was ill-fitting and itched like mad. "Well, boy, it goes 
like this..."

    The other man, tall and dressed in a night-black gi, removed his 
hippie sunglasses and wiped them free of tears. "This is truly a 
blessed day. Ranma Saotome, meet your new fiancee!" Soun Tendo put 
the glasses back on and squinted. Aside, to Genma, he whispered, 
"Hey, I thought he was a guy!"

    "Yeah, well... about that..."

    "No matter. We don't have time for this; the Angel is attacking
even as we speak. Hurry and we'll conduct the ceremony..."

    "HEY, wait a minute! I don't even know what this... thing is! I'm
not gonna marry it!"

    "Oh, I should perform introductions." Ritsuko gestured at the
giant. "Ranma, this is AKANE, gigantic defender of Tokyo-3, and your
new fiancee. Akane, meet Ranma, sex-changing martial artist fanatic and 
your husband-to-be."

    Both eyes came open, and Akane came to life. "You've got to be 
kidding! I'm not marrying this pervert!"

    The man in black struck a stern pose and glared down at the
obviously unhappy robot. "Now, now, Akane, you know that your father
knows best. Besides, your pilot has to be married to you, or the
connection won't work properly. You know that."

    Fires burned in Akane's eyes as she glared at Soun. "I know -what-
?!?!"

    "Well, perhaps we can fudge things a little..." The head of TENDO 
sweatdropped.

---

    Ranma poured the pot of hot water over his head and shrugged. "You 
want me to get in -that-?"

    "Yes, and hurry. They can't hold the Angel off much longer up
there," Ritsuko said.

    "What -is- it?"

    "It's an entry-pocket-protector."

    "Hey, shouldn't that be an entry plug?"

    Akane bent over and snorted, blowing the scientist off of the
catwalk and into a sea of pink fluid. "Exactly what did you have in
mind, you pervert?!"

---

    Akane nodded, pulling a gigantic wooden mallet from nowhere, and    
stuck her head over the edge of the giant-sized ladder. "Yeah, it's 
out there all right."

    "Good," said a wizened old bat that Akane barely knew since she'd 
only been around for a week. "Go fight it!"

    "What are you doing on my shoulder?"

    "Just pretend that I'm not here."

    She hauled herself up the ladder, ignoring the prickly feeling
coming from her shirt pocket, because after all she wasn't about to let 
anybody tell her how to fight her own battles, especially not some 
crossdressing pervert that she'd just met. Four great strides took 
her to the top of a nearby hill, where she had an excellent view of 
the gigantic, rampaging pervert. "Okay, I'm ready..."

    "NO! Wait, that's not the Angel!"

    "Really?"

    Cologne nodded. "Yes, we have no idea what in heck he's trying to
do. The Angel is over -there-."

    Akane's gaze followed the crone's pointing finger, eventually
coming to rest on a solitary figure sitting on an otherwise empty park 
bench. She had long hair, boy's clothes, and an oversized paint 
scraper... and a faint halo over her head.

    "There is your true enemy, child!"

    Akane grinned. Maybe this would be some fun after all.



***********************************************************************


Angsty Ranma
by: Gary Kleppe


Oscir eyed his newest visitor dubiously. The stranger had a plain face,
not at all handsome but not ugly, either. There wasn't much of anything
noteworthy about his appearance. Yet something about him seemed... odd.

Maybe the cloud of inky black mist hovering over his head, spraying
tiny droplets of drizzle in the air, had something to do with it.

"Who are you, strange being?" Oscir asked, knowing full well that it
took one to know one.

"I am Prozac. I serve as god of depression, angst, sorrow...." He
lowered his head in shame. "Oh, I know you were expecting someone more
pleasant... I'm so sorry...."

"Stop that!" Oscir shouted. "Your cloud is dripping on my fur!" Not to
mention that Prozac was wetting his back-issue collection of Shaved
Nuns in Bondage Quarterly. "Why don't you just give me your story
idea?"

Prozac appeared puzzled for a moment. "Oh, yes. I remember. You are he
who is called the 'Feline God of Crappy Fanfiction.' Oh, what a lonely
and tortured existence to be a hermaphroditic cat god! To be consigned
to an existence of...."

"I said STOP THAT!" Pulling a mallet out of nowhere, Oscir crowned his
visitor forcefully. "Do you have an idea, or not?"

"I have one. You've probably heard of 'Ill Met by Starlight?' Mine has
a similar premise. What if Ranma had a slightly different personality?
I'm afraid mine's not nearly as good as that one, though. You probably
don't want to hear it."

"Of course I do." Oscir smiled. "The ideas we deal with here are
*supposed* to be bad. Step over here to the scrying bowl."

Prozac followed as he had been bade, then began sobbing loudly, tears
falling into the water. "Oh, the pain! The pain and the shame!
Waaaaaaah!"

"SCRYING bowl!" Oscir hit Prozac with the mallet again. "With an 'S!'"
He reached over to pull the handle, and the waters began to swirl....

***********************************************************************

"Oh, he wants Akane!"

"Eh?"

"Oh, definitely!"

"You must be joking!" Akane grimaced at her sisters. "Why would *I*
be--"

Nabiki put a hand to Akane's shoulder. "Well... you hate *boys,* don't
you?"

"So you're in luck!" Kasumi smiled as she wagged a finger at Akane,
looking like a teacher imparting some valuable lesson. "He's half
girl!"

"Me? Marry that pervert?! NEVER!"

Ranma's mind sank into the pit of despair. Oh, the pain! Of course none
of them wanted to marry him. Who would want anything to do with a
half-man? Such pain... such pain and such angst. How could he let such
beautiful, innocent women marry a non-man like him, even if they wanted
to, which they wouldn't?

He leaned into Akane's face. "Say -- whaddya mean, 'pervert?!'"

"You looked at my *body,* pervert!"

"Hold it! *You* walked in on *me!*"

"It's *different* when a girl sees a boy!"

Mr. Tendo chuckled. "They're already a perfect couple!" he said.
Ranma's pop laughed heartily along with him.

*Please... no more...* Ranma cried silently to himself. It was bad
enough that he had lost the respect of his beloved father. But they
were laughing... not only at him, which was no more than he deserved,
but at Akane. Dear, sweet Akane, who had done nothing to earn such
torment beyond offering a little kindness to a stranger. Why? Why did
he have to bring such hurt to the people around him? Maybe it was time
to... end it all.

"He's a couple by *himself!*" Akane yelled at the parents, then turned
back to Ranma. "And if you ever--"

"Goodbye!" Ranma interrupted as he turned and walked away indignantly.

"Where are you going, boy?" Pop asked.

"Back to China!" Ranma said. "To find a way to change back for good!
This is no time for 'fiancees.'"

Yes... back to China. Killing himself could wait. Or maybe he would do
it while en route. That way, no one would ever know. Oh, why had fate
been so cruel to him? Changed into a girl... what a horrible fate!
According to the Jusenkyo Guide, he had just missed the Spring of
Drowned Quadriplegic. But he ended up a female instead. What rotten
luck! Surely, the gods hated him with a passion.

"By the way...." Ranma turned his head back toward Akane. "You took a
pretty good look at *me,* too." He pulled on the collar of his shirt,
showing a hint of his ample breasts. "Besides, it's no big deal for me
to see a naked girl. I mean, I've seen *myself* plenty of times,
right?"

He laughed loudly as he began to walk away again. "And I'm built
better, to boot!"

Akane picked up the living room table and flattened him with it.

"Now *that* he had coming!" Genma said.

Oh, the pain!

***********************************************************************

"He he he! Sticking quite close to the scenes in the original so far, I
see."

"Oh, yes... I'm so very, very sorry...."

"Not at all." The constant apologies were really getting on Oscir's
nerves. But complaining would probably only result in another apology.
"That's a tried and true way to create a really terrible alternate
universe story. Bore the readers to death with scenes they've already
seen a million times. He he he!"

"Er... maybe we should jump ahead a bit?

"Okay. I don't usually do this, but...." Oscir pulled out a bottle and
poured some liquid into the scrying bowl. The waters began to churn.

"What was that?"

"That stuff that buy in the supermarket that turns your toilet water
blue. On Earth, it has no known effect other than the color change. But
when added to this particular bowl, it causes the story to jump ahead."

Prozac stared ahead, nodding vaguely. The two stared into the water
once more....

***********************************************************************

"Let's grab something at the cat cafe!"

"Yeah, like that cute new waitress I heard about!"

Ranma flashed a smile at his two high school buddies as they stepped
into the Nekohanten. "Come on in!" His frilly apron swished as he
zipped over to the table in back, a platter of steaming ramen in each
hand.

"Wha--" Hiroshi gaped. "It's Ranma!"

Ranma wanted to die. If he'd had a knife at that moment, he'd have
plunged it through his heart. The pain of steel piercing into his heart
would be nothing compared to the agony of being seen as a girl... stuck
in female form for the immediate future... working as a waitress...
wearing an apron. Was there ever a person in the history of humanity
who ever faced a fate so horrible?

"Groom!" Shampoo's great-grandmother placed another bowl on the
counter. "Take this ramen!"

"Yes, ma'am!" *And I'll take that phoenix pill!* Ranma's hand lunged
forward toward the round tablet that hung from the old woman's neck.

"Hold still. Take this bowl." The old woman deftly thrust an order of
ramen into a position where Ranma was forced to intercept it. He tried
to grab the pill with his other hand, but again found the bowl in the
way. Pushing his speed to the utmost, Ranma struck again and again, but
the old woman blocked every time.

"Wow, check it out!" a customer watching the action said.

"That bowl's floating!" another one said.

Shampoo's father placed several more bowls on the counter. "Five more
piping-hot ramen!" Sweat trickled down Ranma's cheek as the old woman
flung the bowls into the air at him.

Ranma moved more quickly than he ever had before. He caught two bowls
of ramen on each arm, one on top of his head, and the last on a pair of
chopsticks gripped with his heeth. "Deliver them quickly or you'll
spill hot broth all over yourself!" the old woman said as she lay back
on the counter smoking a pipe.

Old ghoul. That was exactly what she was. A foul creature from the
depths of hell. Ranma knew that he would see her face in his
nightmares.

That face... gruesome, hideous, repulsive, hideous, loathsome. Antonym,
see BEAUTY. He would dream of her striking his pressure point, cackling
madly as he plunged into the very depths of hell itself.

The customers applauded Ranma's performance. "Bravo!" one shouted.

Ranma walked ahead slowly, maintaining his precarious balance as the
bowls wobbled. "Old ghoul!" he mumbled through clenched teeth.

And he angsted. A lot.

***********************************************************************

Oscir scratched his head. "It's still no different than the original,
is it? I mean, apart from the angsty narration."

"Well, no. But can't you just feel that angst? Doesn't it just want to
make you want to jump from the highest window while chanting songs from
Pink Floyd's 'The Wall?'"

Oscir shrugged. "To tell you the truth, angst isn't really my saucer of
milk. Give me a good lemon where Ranma makes passionate love to a
hermaphroditic cat-deity." He stared wistfully into space. "Why don't
they write fics like *that* anymore?"

"Did they ever?"

Oscir shrugged again, then gazed back into the scrying bowl. The
arrival of Happosai. Ranma and Akane performing Romeo and Juliet, then
arguing over cookies. Mousse's return.

"Look, let's save some time here." Oscir turned to his guest. "At what
point in the storyline does your alternate universe deviate?"

"Deviate?" Prozac stared back uncomprehendingly.

An idea began to penetrate into Oscir's brain, cutting like a knife
through spam, however that was. "It never deviates at all, does it. You
go through the entire thirty-eight volumes of the original series
without any changes in the scenes or dialogue."

Prozac paused, obviously putting a great deal of thought into his
answer. "Well, yes." Oscir raised his mallet to club him. "But-- but it
does continue on after that!"

"Really? What happens?"

"After the failed wedding, Ranma makes the suicide attempt that he'd
been procrastinating on for so many years. He ends up in intensive
care, female and unable to change forms due to hospital regulations.
During this time he no longer has a penis, so Akane dumps him and
marries whomever is convenient. Then he comes to the conclusion that
his male side is to blame for all of his troubles, so he decides to
embrace his womanhood, but that's for the sequel."

"I see." Oscir sighed. Well, if nothing else, this one was *creatively*
bad. "One question before you go. Do you *really* think people will
believe that Ranma could've been that angsty all the way through the
original series?"

"Well...." Prozac pondered for a moment, then answered as he exited the
room. "Why not? I mean some of them believe that Ukyo's his best
friend, right?"

***********************************************************************


Ranmageddon
by: Lara Bartram


    Oscir asked the entity, "Who you?"

    The being merely called up a large, large screen, made entirely
of silver, and said, "Watch the credits."

    "You have entry then?"

    "To call my huge mega-blockbuster pull-out-all-stops production
a mere entry is to desecrate my vision!" the entity cried out. "It is
a visionary work! I poured my heart and soul into it!"

    "Heart and soul?"

    "And a whole wackload o' dough on special effects!"

    "Oh."

    "Just watch the damn screen, okay?"

***********************************************************************


    Harry Stamper prepared to push the button and detonate the
warhead that would split the giant asteroid in two.  The two halves
would safely pass on either side of the planet instead of impacting on
the surface and wiping out all life there upon.
    He had to push it before zero hour or the two halfs wouldn't
make it.  He had to do it for his daughter.
    Closing his eyes, his finger started to push down on the red
button.
    An especially violent quake tossed him around, the switch
flying out of his hand.  It took precious seconds for him to get the
switch back in his hand, offer a final prayer and push the button.


Rumiko Bruckheimer presents

a Rumiko Bruckheimer production


--- RANMAGEDDON ---

produced by Rumiko Bruckheimer


    The explosion could be seen quite clearly  from the earth's
surface.  Quite clearly.
    People cheered, thinking the nightmare was finally over.  The
earth had been saved by the heroes in space.

    Ranma rushed inside.  "Akane!  Did you see it!?  They did it!"
    Akane looked up at him, a look of total misery on her face.
"Ranma," she said quietly.
    Stopping up short, Ranma stared at her.  "What is it?  What's
wrong?  Was Kuno here again?"
    "Ranma, no!  They... they didn't do it.  They were too late.
It was just on the news."  She stood, clothes looking perfect in sharp
contrast with her mussed hair and bleary eyes.  "Ranma, we have less
than four hours."
    "Four hours until what?"
    "The end of the world."
    Ranma's jaw dropped.  "But... but..."
    Akane shook her head.  "They failed.  In less than four hours,
we're all going to...  The world is going to end!"  She began to cry.
    Ranma could only stare, not believing that the world was actually
going to end.  It couldn't!  It just couldn't!  There was only one
thing left to do if he had less than four hours to live...  "Akane,
I... I..."
    Akane looked up at him, then stood and took him in a bearhug.
"Oh, Ranma!  I love you too!  I always have!"
    Ranma choked.  "Erk!  Akane... whu?"
    Releasing her hug, she looked him in the eyes.  "I love you too.
Weren't you going to say that you loved me?  Since it's the end of the
world and all..."
    Ranma laughed a little and scratched the back of his head.  "Well,
er...  I was just going to say that..."
    "You love me, right?" Akane growled.
    "Well, I just...  I didn't wanna die a virgin.  Heh heh."
    Akane was prepared to be pissed, almost actually reached that
point, but after looking at Ranma...  She shrugged.  "All right.  Let's
go upstairs."
    Ranma gaped again.  He then grabbed Akane's hand and dragged her
up the stairs.

T minus 3 hours 27 minutes

    "Ranma!"
    "Ranchan!"
    The two stopped and looked at each other.
    "What are you doing here, Ryoga?  You're going to interrupt the
last moments I have with Ranchan for a stupid fight," Ukyo warned,
holding her spatula threateningly.  She had also brought her supply of
ki mallets just in case.
    "I'm going to kick the crap out of him and spend the rest of the
time we have with Akane.  I'm going to finally tell her.  And I just
know she'll understand that I was P-chan only because I loved her."
    "Um... excuse me?"
    Ryoga froze in place.
    "Did I just hear that you were P-chan?" Akane asked as she walked
down the stairs with Ranma following.
    "I... er... I just..."
    "Way to go, Ryoga.  Now while Akane's busy killing you, I can have
Ranchan all to myself," Ukyo whispered, hiding her smirk.
    "Man, I don't wanna fight now.  We're all gonna be blown up when
that meteor hits the planet.  I'd rather..."  He suddenly looked at
Ukyo. "I don't wanna die a virgin."
    Akane looked sharply back at Ranma, a look of disbelief on her
face.  "Ranma!"
    Ukyo squealed and bounded up the stairs, hugging Ranma, rubbing
her body against his.  "Do you mean it, Ranchan?  You'd do that with
me, your very best friend Ukyo?"
    Ranma grinned at Akane.  "Why sure I would, Ucchan.  We're like
best buds, right?"
    Akane just stared, disgust welling up inside her.  Typical male.
Though she shouldn't have been surprised with the end of the world and
all.
    "Akane, you know I did it just because I loved you, right?  I
would never hurt you, never dishonor you, except I..."
    Payback time.  "Oh, Ryoga, please.  Ranma's not enough of a man.
Please, won't you make love to me so I'll remember you when I die.  We
can die in each other's arms."  Akane batted her eyelashes at him,
seeing Ranma glare at her from the corner of her eye.
    "Akane!  Hell yes!"  He grabbed Akane and began pulling her shirt
off, not noticing it was the only thing she was wearing.
    "Not, here, nitwit!  Let's go upstairs!"  She whipped her monster
mega mallet from her ki accessed hammerspace and smacked him with it.
    "Oh, right.  Upstairs!"
    "Yeah.  And Ranma, you don't want to be caught with your pants
down in the living room, do you?" Akane said sweetly and winked at him.
    Ranma actually understood what she was getting it, and a thin
trickle of drool ran down his chin.  "Yeah, Ucchan.  Let's go
upstairs."
    The four retreated upstairs, to have their own separate
encounters.  *wink wink* *nudge nudge* Know whatImean.  Say nomore...

T minus 3 hours 10 minutes

    Nabiki walked in through the door and tossed her bag away.  "Damn.
The end of the world really sucks.  No needs money when they have only
a few hours to live.  So much for my dreams of becoming president of
some huge, multi-national company and marrying a rich American."
    She sat down on the sofa, but not before snagging a monster bottle
of sake and began drinking directly form it.
    "Pig-tailed goddess!  Akane Tendo!  I am here to comfort you!"
    Nabiki, with a healthy blush already in her cheeks, looked over as
the door burst open and Kuno charged in.
    "Where is the pig-tailed goddess?  And your beauteous sister?" he
demanded when he saw Nabiki.  Something funky in his brain tingled when
he saw her sitting there, dress hiked up and a bottle of sake nestled
between her legs.  Innocently, but considering what he had been
planning on doing with his two objects of affection, any such display
made him... stand at attention.
    "You know, Kuno-chan, you're missing something in life," Nabiki
said slowly, her speech not quite slurred.
    "And what, pray tell, is that?" he asked, though his eyes remained
on the almost obscene display of the bottle between her legs and the
dress nestled around it.
    "A good fuck.  I know I need one."  She stood, hit him over the
head with the bottle and dragged him off to the bathroom.

T minus 2 hours 50 minutes

    "Nihao!"  Shampoo toodled into the house on her bike.  "Airen!
Shampoo here to teach Amazon custom of end of world getting some on
side!"
    She was disappointed when not a peep answered her offer of free
highly charged, pseudo-lesbian sex.
    "Ranma-sama!"  A flurry of black rose petals blew into the room
with Kodachi following behind.  "Ranma-sa..."
    "He no here."
    Kodachi stopped, her hand in mid-rose petal fling.  "Whatever have
you done with him, you wicked barbarian?" she seethed.
    "Shampoo come here to see how airen handle his staff when faced
with real warrior woman."  Shampoo thrust her chest out at Kodachi.
    For a moment, Kodachi looked confused, then the light of
understanding dawned in her eyes.  "Ah.  I see."  Something inside her
rebelled.  This was her last chance to know the kind of closeness and
tenderness that she had never experienced before.
    Kodachi rummaged around in her leotard for a moment before pulling
a gymnastics club out.  "How about this?"
    Shampoo's eyes got wide, then they met Kodachi's.
    The two quickly headed out to the dojo.

--------------------

Scenes to occur later:

- Hiroshi and Daisuke learn the pleasure of men
- Yuka and Sayuri learn the pleasure of watching two men
- Tofu works all the kinks out of Kasumi
- Genma and Soun lie drunk in the street
- Pantyhose goes on a rampage, destroying lingerie stores all over
  Tokyo
- Akari and Katsunishiki "ride" out the panic together
- Mousse gets volunteered to help Cologne with her "last rites" as the
  Amazon elder
- Mikado and Azusa finally kill each other with skate blades
- Nodoka finds Kumon and has sex with him in a moment of incestual
  weakness
- Everyone dies

***********************************************************************

Lesbian 1/2
a BLB Production
By: Donny Cheng


    Oscir looked into the pool. (S)He hummed and hahed for a moment
or two, squishing and squirming hes (hir?) facial features into a
perplexed and rather more unappealing arrangement.

    "Make senses," Oscir said out loud, by the scrying area. Oscir
was alone, of course. No other being approaching divinity really
ever wanted to be near Oscir, not even with a ten foot pole and a
HazMat suit. Such things were simply not done. Well, okay, there 
was Nietzche in back, reading a magazine, but he was just waiting.

    "After all, shouldn't me get entry into own contest?" Oscir
mused.

    Oscir obviously wasn't one of those beings known for their high
moral and ethical qualities, and in fact had only a passing
familiarity with them such terms, or other terms such as grammar,
or spelling, or taste, having decorated the pool with pink plastic
flamingoes. Don't ask wha the flamingoes were doing to each other,
please.

    "So, here my entry be!"

***********************************************************************

Chapter 1

Japan...

 Chibi-Ranma looked hard.  Nope, no bulge there.  "You really don't
have one."

 "I told you so," Chibi-Ukyo nodded, and let pulled her pants back
up.  "I told you I was specialer than you."

 "Are not!" Ranma denied emphatically, trying to think of something
to prove it at the same time.  It was true.  He and his pop had 'it'.
Ukyo said her father had one too.  That made up nearly all the people
he knew. Ukyo must be special if she was different, but there was no
way he was going to admit defeat so easily.

 "It's because I'm a girl and you aren't," Ukyo said, knowingly.
She first asked her father that while he bathed her a year ago.  He had
gone all red in the face and finally asked a lady customer to tell her.

 "Girl?  I think my mom's a girl," Ranma said.  His pop was forever
telling him how he was going to grow up to be manly and not girlish.
If they stayed with Mommy, she would have made him a girl.  Something
like that. 

 "Well, see!  Which one do you like more?  Your mommy or daddy?"

 "Mommy," Ranma said without hesitation.  It occurred to his young
mind that if he had said his pop, he would have won this argument.  He
won't make that mistake ever, ever again!

 "And girls get to eat as much as they want and anything they
want."  Ukyo wasn't entirely sure if that was true, but she didn't
care.  She had him on the ropes.  Food, she learned was Ranma's biggest
weakness. 

 "What!?"  Ranma was outraged.  His pop and him only got to eat
maybe one meal a day if they were lucky.  One time he asked for candy,
his pop said no.  He knew there had to be a reason.  "I want to be a
girl too then."

 "You can't.  You're a boy.  Boys marry girls that they like," Ukyo
said quickly.  It wouldn't do for Ranma to be a girl.  She can't marry
him then. It was just that she couldn't beat Ranma in a fight, so she
had to resort to other ways like claiming girls are better than boys.

 Ranma scrunched his face up in thought.  He had no idea what
'marry' meant, but it seemed to be important to Ucchan and there was no
way he was going give up on that privilege to gain another.  He wanted
both.  It didn't take him long to figure a compromise.  "Girls can't
marry girls?"

 She had only heard her father say that if she liked Ranma she can
marry him.  So if a boy can marry a girl and a girl can marry a boy,
then a girl can marry a girl and a boy can marry a boy.  She mulled
that thought in her mind for a second.  It sounded right.  "I think
girls can marry girls."

 "Good, then.  I'll find a way to become a girl and then marry you,
okay?"

 Ukyo was going to have her father ask Uncle Saotome before they
left, but it seemed like she didn't need to do that anymore.  "Deal!
But, how will you become a girl.  You need a mommy for that."

 "Pop said that we'll see Mommy again soon.  I just have to make
sure he doesn't make me manly before I see her again."

 "Okay, remember your promise," Ukyo said and held out her pinky to
which Ranma encircled with his own.

 "I will.  First thing I do when I become a girl," Ranma pledged as
solemnly as he could, which meant he didn't cross his fingers.

   * * * * *

 "I never want to listen to him again!" Ranma cried into the lap of
Nice Old Lady.

 "But, he's your father.  I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you," she
said and patted the young boy's head.  It had broken her heart when she
had heard the mewling cries of the boy at her doorstep.  She had made
Genma wait outside in the rain more as punishment than meaning what she
said that his presence would hurt Ranma's recovery.

 "He's going to make me into a manly man again.  I don't want to be
a boy anymore.  I want to be a girl.  When can I go home to Mommy?"
Ranma asked drowsily to the Nice Old Lady.

 She could see Ranma was beginning to become delirious with sleep.
She sighed and wondered what the man outside had done to his son's
mind.  He wasn't a bad man, she could tell.  His eyes wouldn't have
look so worried, his bare feet wouldn't have been so bloodied with
running, and his voice wouldn't have sounded so broken, if he was.

   * * * * *

China...

 Ranma blinked.  He had breasts.  She had breasts.  He was a she.
"Thank you, Pop!  I don't know how you did it, but I knew you wouldn't
let me down!"

 Genma blinked.  His MANLY son had been pestering him for months
about some operation a doctor had said once, but had had kept putting
it off, hoping that Ranma would get rid of this fixation when he
married one of the Tendos.
Genma knew that the boy did have a real healthy interest in girls
and after a few nights as a man with them, he should have been normal.
Genma felt faint as his new daughter started to check if 'everything'
was all there.

   * * * * *

 Shampoo got up and quietly dusted herself off.  The laws were
quite clear on the matter.  A foreign woman that defeats an amazon is
to be given the Kiss of Death.  Although, she had never actually given
it or killed a person before, Shampoo had been taught to deal with
these situations.

 Ranma gave the other girl, named Shampoo the guide had said, a
worried glance.  The Chinese girl had been fighting all day as her
recent win in the finals of the tournament showed.  That meant fatigue
would be affecting her effectiveness.  Ranma hadn't wanted to take
advantage of this, but she had seen no other way to pay for the food
she and her pop had eaten. The fact that the amazon had a body that
made her mouth water had nothing to do with her feelings of concern at
all.

 Shampoo walked up to the outsider boldly.  Every eye in the
village upon her.  To make a mistake would endanger her position within
the village.  She leaned forward and turned the girl's face to the
side.

 Ranma could see the lips coming and immediately turned her head so
that Shampoo's lips landed upon hers.  Just a day as a girl and she was
already getting lucky!  She had had acquaintances before, but they had
all been after her male side's body.  She felt a quiet thrill knowing
that she was being looked at because of her new gender.

 Shampoo was afraid to move.  She felt the silky wetness of the
lips that held her own in place.  The Kiss of Marriage!  She had
accidentally given the vow of marriage rather than death.  It was not
as common, but amazons did have the option of taking a female for a
consort.  A great portion of the village was female after all and
almost a quarter had this type of union.  Her eyes widened as she felt
a slippery warmth slither into her month.  It was not wholly
unpleasant.  Nor was the hand that was resting on her shoulder and the
one on her round bottom.  She found her own hand unconsciously move
towards the other girl.  She had not been planning on having a wife,
but at sixteen and no members of either sex, excluding Blind
Boy, interested in her, her hormones had decidedly taken enough.
She can find a husband later.

 Ranma felt herself suddenly yanked away from the Chinese
bombshell.  Her father had grabbed her and slung her over his shoulder.
The guide was not far behind translating something about Kiss of Death.

 Shampoo sat there stunned at the sudden feeling of loss.  She 
caught a glimpse of the redhead being carried over the shoulder of the
panda.  The look on the girl's face looked equally sad.

 "What are you still doing here?  Chase after your wife!" Cologne
yelled out as she came out of the house from where she had seen the
match and the following result.  While she had hoped that her
great-granddaughter would find a man one of these days and bear healthy
children, a strong and obviously well trained wife was infinitely
better.  If they ever found a man, twice as many children could be
born. 

   * * * * *

Nerima...

 Ranma gasped for breath.  She hadn't expected this warm a welcome.

 "Ooh!  He's cute," Nabiki said and meant it.  His face was real
cute.  Very bishonen to the point of actually looking like a girl.
Maybe, she'll take this engagement off of her sister's hands.

 Soun blinked tears out of his eyes as he hugged the boy to him.
It was then that he noticed the boy in question had quite a large
chest. He decided it was a good time to faint.

 Ranma was at first surprised to see the family glad to see her.
She had been told that they were expecting a boy to be engaged to.  Her
fears were confirmed when the father fell flat on his face.  A girl
with short cut hair that had been smiling at her suddenly scowled.
Ranma felt a tinge of regret.  One down, two fiancées to go.

 She had wanted to go back to China and ask if that was really the
Kiss of Death, which Shampoo had given to her, because it definitely
did not feel that way.  Her father had convinced her of their family
honor to the Tendo family.  The plus was that she had three girls to
choose from. Anything to uphold the family honor was what Ranma always
said.  It was then she felt her breasts being poked by the scowling
girl.  Maybe Ranma was wrong about this her.

   * * * * *

 "He told me he had a boy!" Soun cried out.

 "There, there father," Kasumi said as she handed him another
kleenex.  She wanted to go over the girl in question, though.  Ranma
looked so vulnerable sitting there under Nabiki's glare.  It wasn't the
poor girl's fault that she wasn't a boy.  In truth, it made Kasumi
slightly relieved.  It was true she wasn't interested in younger men as
she had said before to provide herself with an out for this engagement
business, but that actually held true for any size or age man.  Women,
on the other hand, brought a different feeling.  She wondered if the
engagement was still valid even if Ranma was a girl.

 "Does she look like a boy?" Nabiki asked much too loudly, covering
the tension in her voice.  Her hands poking into the girl chest again.
She did not imagine it the last time.  Ranma's nipples were hard and
pointing straight at her.  Nabiki shuddered as she looked into the
girl's eyes.  They seemed to say, 'I don't mind'.  Her ire at losing a
potential fiancé was starting to diminish rapidly.

 Ranma conspicuously moved forward slightly.  This caused Nabiki's
fingers to graze across the budding tip hidden by her silk shirt.
There was no way in hell she was going where anything but silk shirts,
she vowed silently. She brought her hand up to Nabiki's wrist as if
trying to push her away.  In reality, her fingers prevented the other
hand from moving from its place. "I'm sorry for causing you trouble."

 Akane watched the squirming girl under Nabiki's hands.  Ranma must
really be upset about this whole fiancée business.  Her sister wasn't
helping matters.  "Nabiki, leave her alone.  Hi, I'm Akane.  You want
to be friends?"

 Nabiki frowned as Ranma jerked away and her fingers lost contact
with that divine softness.  Akane was ruining everything.  The meekness
in the Ranma's voice had brought an unexpected new thrill in Nabiki.
She had half expected the girl to stop the ministrations.  Instead,
Ranma seemed to push against her hand just like the first time.  "No,
I'm the one that should be sorry. You want to be friends?" Nabiki
asked, hopefully in the same warm voice as her sister.  She was used to
manipulating people to do what she wanted, but never by something so
simple such as asking politely.

 Ranma couldn't believe her senses.  A musky aroma of recent
exercise came from Akane as she leaned forward and smiled.  Two little
dimples formed on each side of her face indicating an easy smile about
her.  She looked cute when she smiled like that.  The unmistakable
smell of a female coupled with that dazzling face caused a slight blush
to Ranma's face.

 Nabiki also has the very nice smile.  It was a most beguiling
smile.  It appeared crooked on her face as if not deciding whether to
remain a smile or a grin.  It was the eyes that drew Ranma's attention.
She felt that it looked as if Nabiki would eat her whole.  Maybe a few
weeks in Japan and then off to China, totally forgetting a small matter
with a friend named Ukyo in the process.

***********************************************************************

    Oscir grinned lasciviously, even if he didn't know what the
word meant.

    "Hrm. Not moving fast enough. Skip more ahead!"

***********************************************************************

 "Ranma!" Yuka said as she passed the baseball towards the girl.
Oops, she had thrown it much too high.  A trail of drool nearly escaped
her mouth as Ranma jumped for it.  Nabiki hadn't been the only one to
curse the person that told Ranma the existence of a bra.

 Akane was happy to note all her friends had taken an instant
liking to Ranma.  She had been worried at first that Ranma's quick
popularity with the boys might be a negative factor, but her two best
friends, Sayuri and Yuka, had voiced their support and thing went
smoothly.  She smiled at Ranma.  She seemed to be having a good time.
The constant actions Ranma was engaged in had pulled her T-shirt from
her gym shorts, revealing a whole lot of skin, almost up to the
undersides of her breasts, Akane noticed after a full minute of
unconscious staring.

 <Whack>

   * * * * *

 Ranma was caught off guard by the sudden speech in the room.  She
flinched at the words but then she saw the twinkle in Akane's eyes and
heard the mock tone of anger in her voice.  "Yeah.  It's a little
embarrassing.  I wouldn't mind so much if I was a little taller, like
Nabiki."

 Nabiki was relieved as the tension between the three of them
ebbed.  She did not know what she would have done if an argument has
started. While she knew that she was attracted to Ranma, she did not
know if that would have been enough to make any kind of long term
commitment.  That did not mean though that she didn't want to have any
fun with Ranma or that she would allow anyone else, including Akane, to
touch the girl.  "Tall too? That's just getting greedy."

 The duration of the shower was passed with giggling and with a
companionable air.

***********************************************************************

    Oscir harumphed. "I know! How about when Ranma gets some
support!"

***********************************************************************


 "Actually, could we not go home yet?" Ranma asked, her nervousness
apparent.  She had not known how to ask the girls about something
that had been in her mind since she had gotten her new body.  The
previous good humor was all but dispelled as she fidgeted under their
gaze.  "I thought that maybe we could get some um... you know... bras
and panties for this body."

 "W-Who told you about them?" Nabiki's first reply shot from her
mouth.  She mentally kicked herself as soon as the words came out.  Her
eyes shot to the slow heaving of Ranma's chest that a bra could easily
stop.

 "I knew about them from my girl... I mean, from my friends.  I
just never had the time to get some and my Pop isn't exactly the kind
that wold listen to those needs."

 "Okay, Ranma," Akane agreed.  Her first reaction had been to slap
the boy-girl for being a pervert.  However, the poor dear's uneasiness
was clear.  It must have taken a lot of courage for her to ask this
request.  It was the same uneasiness that had drew Akane to Ranma,
asking to be friends, the first time they met.

 Ranma smiled.  "I want to take good care of this body that was
granted to me.  I don't know much about it yet, so you'll have to show
me what to get. I saw a place must down the road from here when I
arrived."

 "Er, Ranma?  I know that place.  It's a lingerie shop."

 "Akane, all girls need something special.  I know that you have
that blue little number hidden in the back of your closet for example.
Anyway, I'm sure they have the regular kind there also," Nabiki
interjected smoothly. The words lingerie and Ranma had destroyed the
notion that containing those assets was a bad idea.  It depended a
whole lot on what the container was. It would be a shame to let a body
like that sag, er goto waste. Besides, there was no way she would not
be there when Ranma modeled for her... them. She meant them, she
quickly revised the thought and unconsciously slurped up the pool of
saliva that had annoyingly again collected at the bottom of her mouth.

 Akane blushed.  How did Nabiki find that out?  Akane wondered if
that black leather outfit she had put on the top shelf had also been
found out.  "Oh? I suppose you have one also?"

 "One?" Nabiki countered mischievously, giving Ranma a sidelong
glance that suggested to her that if she was lucky she may get to see
one of them soon.

 Ranma shivered again as the same delightful tingling feeling ran
up her spine as she stood there under Nabiki's cool gaze.  "Yeah, I
would like something like that."

 Akane had to litterally hold onto the fence to stop herself from
walking over to the poor girl.  Ranma was doing it again.  What, being
a tomboy, Akane lacked in traditional feminine skills of cooking,
mending, and housecleaning, her natural inclination to nurture more
than made up for it. It was this nurturing nature that screamed out at
her whenever she saw Ranma in any sort of discomfort.  Akane just
wanted to go up the shorter, seemingly for vulnerable girl and smother
her with affection and love.

 "Akane, you're twisting the fence," Nabiki sighed.

***********************************************************************

    Oscir sighed happily. "And just think of the conversations!"


***********************************************************************


 "Ranma, I think we should have a talk about you and the room you
share with your dad," Nabiki said, changing the subject.  "You're never
going to continue to share the same room.  I know that he changes you
back into a boy every night.  That can't be fun for you."

 "But, he's my Pop.  I have to be with him.  I've never slept by
myself before.  He's not that bad other than this manly thing he keeps
going on about."

 "Oh, is that it?  Well, look here.  I'll sleep with you.  _Beside_
you! I'll sleep beside you tonight and every night that you need until
you get _comfortable_," Nabiki said quickly.  She said it first.  She
smiled triumphantly at Akane.

 Akane frowned.  "Ranma's not an ordinary girl.  She's our fiancee.
It's not proper to be in the same room.  She likes girls remember.
Even if it were proper it only be fair have us all sleep with, beside
her I mean."

 Nabiki frowned.  "True.  Seven days in a week.  Three sisters.  Me
three, you and Kasumi two apiece, since I did make this suggestion.
Only fair that the responsibility fall upon me."

 Akane frowned harder.  "Better make it you three, me three, and
Kasumi one. She has enough on her hand cleaning up after us."

 Nabiki thought for a moment, but before she could say anything,
Kasumi appeared to greet them on the street.  She was sweeping the walk
and had apparently heard everything.

 "What was this I heard?  Shame on you two.  You three still go to
school. I know how it will be.  Staying up all night talking is not
good for your health and grades.  It would be best if Ranma stayed with
me the three days and you two can have her twice a week," Kasumi said
in a voice that allowed no rebuttal.

 "Yes, Kasumi," Nabiki said quickly and was surprised to hear Akane
quick voice joining hers.  Nabiki had never seen such a fierce look of
determination on Kasumi's face.  She glanced suspiciously at Kasumi
as her older sister took Ranma's bags and started to talk animatedly
with the redhead.

 Akane wondered what she did to deserve such a wonderful older
sister.

   * * * * *

 Kasumi looked at the her closet with a dismayed expression.  This
just won't do.  How in the world did she manage to put every single
pair of pajamas of hers in the wash?  She didn't even have one to lend
to Ranma. She wondered if she could borrow one of those new pieces of
lingerie from Ranma.  They would stretch terribly on her larger frame.
Oh well. 

***********************************************************************

    "Let's see some of the others," Oscir said, dipping a paw into
the pool, causing it to fast forward.


***********************************************************************

 Akane was happy for Ranma as they walked out of the school
grounds.  Ranma was fast becoming popular and making many new friends.
"Nabiki should be out in a few moments."

 "I don't mind waiting," Ranma said.  It gave her time to wave to a
few of the new friends she had made.  Nearly everyone in school was
taking her engagement to Akane none to seriously and it had made for a
great conversation starter.  Akane had been right about some of the
more pig headed boys.  Even after beating them up quite badly, they
came up for more and she had guessed that it would continue for some
time.  Other than the few slight brawls that had erupted among the
boys, the day had gone by perfectly.

 "Ranma there you are!  Have you seen Nabiki?  The girl told me I
had some forms to sign," Genma grumbled as he ran towards his son and
his fiancée. He grimaced at how nice Ranma looked today.  His only
consolation was that the boy wasn't wearing a dress to school.

 "We're waiting for her also...," Akane started to reply before and
loud cry cut her off.

 "Die, Saotome!"

 Genma felt a chill run down his spine and looked up only to have a
fist planted into it.  "Er, hello boy.  Long time no see."

 Ranma jerked her head at the sound of a familiar sounding voice.
It was him!  "Ryoga!"

 <Glomp>

 That was when all activity in the area just simply stopped.  All
the boys in the area fainted at the sight of their goddess wrapping her
arms around another man.  Half the girls fainted for that matter.

   * * * * *

 Nabiki's face was absolutely blank as she walked up to her sister
and Ranma who was currently latched onto a boy.  She had just come out
from the school to meet up with Uncle when she had seen this strange
and wholly unpleasant sight.  Thoughts of finding out the name of the
boy and exacting revenge played in her mind.  "Hello and who might you
be?"

 Unfortunately, Ryoga had froze upon contact with what he thought
was a very cute girl.  A trail of blood formed below his nose as his
body sent him signals telling him that the girls curves were very
comfortable. "Um... ah... hehe... I...."

 Ranma could feel the temperature around them drop suddenly at
Nabiki's appearance.  She quickly let go for Ryoga. "This is my best
friend, Hibiki Ryoga.  He just showed up."

 Ryoga's mind was once again under his control as the girl let go
of him. "Um, you must be mistaken miss.  I've never seen you before in
my life."

 "Huh?"

 "Ranma, you're in your cursed body right now," Akane whispered to
her friend. 

 "Oh, that's right!  It's me, Ranma.  I got cursed in China
recently.  I turn into a girl when I get hit with cold water.  Isn't it
great? Now I can be a girl forever," Ranma said after she finally
understood.

 Nabiki slapped her forehead.  "Ranma, do you think you might want
a microphone?  I don't think everybody in school heard."

 Ryoga blinked in confusion.  The words China, curse, and cold
water brought back painful memories of a black pot to him.  "Jusenkyo?"

 "Yeah, how'd you know about...," before Ranma could finish, Ryoga
let out a growl that made her step back.

 "Saotome Genma!  This must be all your fault!" Ryoga cried out.
He had always known his friend acted a bit feminine, but this was
ridiculous.  His best friend was one hundred percent male.  Genma's
training must have snapped Ranma's poor mind.

 Genma had been slowly backing away when Ryoga's attention had been
turned, but now he ran away from the scene at full tilt.  Ranma's
friend had always been a tad fanatical.  "Hey, it wasn't my fault!  You
think I want him to be a girl?"

 "Come back here!"  Ryoga ran right after Genma.  He risked a
glance back at his friend.  How could he not recognize the girl?  Her
features resembled that of his best friend particular in the eyes.
They held the same kindness.  He would avenge Ranma if it was the last
thing he did. 

   * * * * *

 "What was that all about?" Ranma asked as she stepped into the
living room, rubbing her eyes in tiredness.

 "A boy, I think, and Uncle had a little chat," Kasumi replied.

 "That's putting it likely.  It was your friend Ryoga," Nabiki said
rolling her eyes at Kasumi's understatement.

 "I wish they would get along," Ranma sighed, before heading back 
to Akane's room.  "You can just put him there on the ground.  Pop's
tougher than he looks.  You coming, Akane?"

 "Yep," Akane said quickly and followed in after the girl.

 Nabiki frowned at the quickness in Akane's reply.  What had her
sister been doing up in the first place.  It usually takes quite a bit
of noise to wake someone that sleeps as deep as Akane.  Nabiki also did
not like how disarrayed Ranma's clothes looked.

   * * * * *


 Ryoga sat on the roof watching the sunrise.  *I'll find a cure,
Ranma, for the both of us,* Ryoga promised to himself.  He bent over so
that he could another look look into the window.  Ranma-kun lay there
sleeping peacefully. A scowl crossed his face as Akane looked back at
him holding a glass of cold water, he guessed, glaring back at him.
*But not until I save you from these perverts!*

   * * * * *

Now this piece is obviously not designed for any particular girl in
mind to be with Ranma.  In fact, Ranma sees himself as a she, so the
necessary papers are going to be messy.  This makes it possible for
multiple girls if they choose just to live with him/her.

Kuno:  He attempts to thwart the misguided notions Ranma has.  A
man will be able to turn Ranma's peculiar ideas around.  Also, catches
glimpses of a man that appears at various times.  Kuno suspects that
Ranma is being watched by a sorceror.

Ryoga:  He is a childhood friend that is looking for Ranma because
he fears what Genma might do to the poor boy.  Ranma always gave him
part of the bread whenever they were at school along with taking him
home. Genma is the one that accidentally knocks Ryouga into the spring.
He decides to take care of Ranma from the perverted Akane when he gets
to Nerima. Akane is forced to keep Ryoga's secret as a favor as she
doesn't want Ranma's already 'frail' mind to be further hurt by the
only boy that she ever liked.  That doesn't stop her from making sure
Ranma is safe at night though since Ryoga is using P-chan to keep near
Ranma.

Akane:  She is caught time and time again at Ranma's window,
leading Ranma to suspect assumptions that are not entirely false.
Akane denies any such thoughts.

Nabiki:  She doesn't really mind which form Ranma is in.  Takes an
active role as a suitor when it appears Akane is also after Ranma.

Kasumi:  She is finding it harder to suppress her urges.  Things
worsen when Ranma suspects her of having a nervous breakdown.  Full
body massages three times a week for a month???

Kodachi:  She is saved from the roof by Ranma-female.  Kodachi
makes her very first true friend.  She doesn't even mind when she and
her friend face each other on the ring.  She tries to set her friend up
with the mysterious man that seems to follow Ranma where ever they
goes, to prove that Kodachi is not that 'way'.  All the while, pining
after Ranma-female herself secretly.

Shampoo:  She moves into Ranma's room, much to the annoyance of the
Tendo sisters.  She considers Ranma to be her wife and Ranma apparently
has no objections.  Slumber party in Ranma's room every night until
Shampoo finds a place for herself is the decision all three sisters
make.

Ukyo:  She gets tired of waiting and comes looking for Ranma.  Ukyo
has prepared herself as the ultimate playboy to Ranma's eventual return
as a girl.  She is very bishonen in manner and appearance.  She prefers
Ranma-male, but finds it hard to deny her attraction to Ranma-female.

Soun, Genma, Mousse:  The same as original manga.

Nodoka:  "He must be manly, if he can satisfy a half dozen girls in
female form!"

Cologne and Happosai may be the same, depending on what happens.

***********************************************************************

    Oscir chortled gleefully, because that's really the only way you
can chortle. "I likes me some that one!"

    Capering about, Oscir continued gloating. "Me say this one going to
win! Mine entry is best, and so it get continue. I make it so now!"

    Oscir was about to touch the scrying pool, to stabilise its entry,
when Nietzche spoke up from behind.

    "Wait, you're not done yet!"

    "What you mean?" Oscir asked peevishly.

    "I mean that there's another entry coming up still."

    "Oh, where?"

    "Well, this is getting kind of big, so we're going to have to wait
a moment or two."

    Oscir nodded. "One more then, and after that me declare I winner!"



	"So where is this last entry?" Oscir asked.

	Nietzche checked his watch. "Running a little late, I guess.
I'll just go back to my reading  and you wait for him."

	"Why read? I've got _lots_ of things we can do that are more
exciting than reading!"

	"Yes, and I've got a very large and sharp and pointy knife."

	"Reading for you it is! I'll just look over my winning entry
some more."

	Nietzche nodded and left the pool room.


Ranma and the Chipmunks
by:   David (Fido) Lindquist       


    The god of crappy fanfic grinned as he sat by the bowl of change.
       
    *This is almost as fun as the first one!* Oscir thought. *I wonder
who will come by next? *       
    As if on cue, a large shape emerged from out the mists that
surrounded the little corner of perversion Oscir called home.       
    The shape appeared to look like a huge, 7 ft.tall, brownish-grey
wolf. The only thing that was odd (That is for a 7ft. tall wolf) was
the bandanna wrapped around its head and the lost look on it's face.          

    "Where in the hell am I now?" it growled softly, a hint of despair
creeping into his voice.       

    It took Oscir a few minutes to recover from the natural terror he
felt for the creature. The god then thought he recognised him.          

    "F..F..Fenris, " he stammered completely ignoring the visitor's
question. "H..how nice to see you.."       

    The wolf glared at the cat god then let out a sigh. "I'm not
Fenris. I'm his cousin, Fidokaro, " he then quickly added,
"thegodofanimalswithidentitycrisis."       

    Oscir blinked. "Umm....could you repeat the last part?" The  god
of crappy fanfiction asked. His fear replaced with curiosity. "I
didn't quite hear it."

    "Fidokaro, the god of animals with a identity crisis," he repeated,
grinding his sizeable canine teeth at every syllable in an effort to
intimidate Oscir.           

    "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Oscir responded totally ignoring Fidokaro's
efforts.

    The wolf's ears drooped some and his face took exasperated
expression as the other god rolled on the ground, still laughing.
"It's not that funny," he growled.           

    "Boy! You must of been really late when they were handing out the
godhood assignments!" Oscir said between giggles.            

    "I GOT LOST OKAY!" he roared sending Oscir head over heels. The god
continued to tumble until he smashed into the wall behind him.       

    The cat god peeled himself off the wall and regained his senses.
"Touchy, aren't we?" he said.            

    "You can't possibly now how many times I get told that," Fidokaro
grumbled then his mood seemed to perk up a little. "But it could have 
been worse."            

    "Really?" Oscir replied. "How?"            

    "I might have got stuck with being the god of crappy fanfics!"
he barked out. "Whoever got that job must be a real loser!"            

    "I'M THE GOD OF CRAPPY FANFICS!!!!" Oscir cried out.        

    Fidokaro blinked. "You aren't the other one?"

    "YOU HAD BETTER BELIEVE IT BUSTER!!" the cat-god replied.        

    The wolf just slumped his shoulders and sighed. "Wrong place
again..."

    It took Oscir a few minutes to regain some of his/her composure.
After that, he decided to see what his idea was. He most definitely was
not going to let HIM have it. "So...what you got?"            

    "Are you sure you want to hear it?" Fidokaro replied. "It isn't
that bad an idea."

    "Trust me," Oscir said flashing him a big smile. "I can make it
bad."            

    "Of that I have no fear whatsoever," Fidokaro deadpanned.
Since Fidokaro was already there (and he seriously doubted he could
find the one he was looking for by the turn of the next century), he
decided to participate.
    
    As the cat-god activated the scrying bowl, the words Fidokaro had
said earlier finally registered in his head. Even Oscir could put two
and two together... ...eventually. "Say, You wouldn't by any chance be 
related to Ryoga would you?" Oscir asked.

    "NO!!!...umm, No," he replied, as a large sweatdrop formed at the
back of his head. "I have never met that fine, upstanding, incredibly
talented young man."

    "Oh..okay." 
  
***********************************************************************

           A UNKNOWN FOREST IN THE WEST, BEGINNING OF WINTER        

    Genma breathed a sigh of relief as he slammed the lid down over the
pit. It had taken him weeks to gather all the items needed to perform
the ritual he had copied from the Native American woman, Michelle. Her
martial art skills were easily as good as his, and her daughter Julia,
was almost Ranma's equal. He had really hated to copy the instructions
without her consent but it was for 'the Art'.      

  *Just keep telling yourself that Genma, and maybe someday you will
actually believe it,* he thought as he walked over to his son.* After
all, that way worked with the Great Pumpkin!*        

    When he got there, Genma looked at his son. The nine year old boy
was bound with ropes. He also had various acorns and nuts tied to his
clothing. His young face was a mask of worry and confusion.
           
    "Papa? I thought we weren't going to do the Neko-ken training?" he
said, struggling slightly against his binding.        

    His son's question caused Genma to remember the near disaster of
the last time he tried something like this, when they were both back in 
China. How he had 'borrowed' most of cats from a local village and put
them into a pit like this one. If he hadn't rechecked the instructions
again, Ranma would have gone insane from learning the neko-ken and how
would he have explained it to his wife? Of course if he HAD learned the
neko-ken, maybe they could have avoided all those angry villagers
chasing them. He involuntarily shivered at the next memory.        
    If the mob hadn't stopped at the tip of Siberia when the two of
them jumped into and swam across the Bering Strait, the villagers would
probably still be hunting for them. Of course Ranma and him kept going 
after they had reached the other side. The two didn't stop until they
reached that place called 'Seattle'.

    *At least some good will come from this trip*, Genma thought. 
*That is, once Ranma learns the 'Way of the Chipmunk'.*           

    "This isn't Neko-ken training boy," Genma replied as he rechecked
Ranma's bonds. "It's better."

    Ranma turned and looked at the closed pit. It sure didn't look much
better to him! "I..I don't..." he stammered out but before he could
finish Genma interrupted him. 

    " Look, it's the same training your friend Julia was going to do,"
he said, choosing not to mention that she would have went through the
training as an adult. " Are you going to tell me that a girl is more
dedicated to learning 'the Art' than you?"            

    "NO WAY!" Ranma replied with a look of determination.         

    Genma just smiled at his son and thought; *It's for the Art. It's
for the Art...*   


                                THE PIT

    "Alright! In you go!"         

    The lid opened and a bound human sailed through the opening. It
landed with a thud at the bottom and almost squashed a few of the 
chipmunks. Fortunately, they  managed to get out of the way in time.
The captured animals then heard the voice say:

    "Remember Ranma! Think like a chipmunk!"

    "Think like a chipmunk?" one of the chipmunks, dressed in a bowler
hat and suit said. "How absurd. Why I have a mind to call my solicitor
when I get out of here."

    "Who said we were ever going to get out of here," another one said.
"We are obviously in the hands of a madman!"

    "Hey!," a small rotund baby chipmunk, one of two brothers that had
been kidnapped, yelled out. "He's got food!"             

    "Theodore," his brother said, adjusting his glasses as he did. "We
have more important things to think about than food."             

    "I'm sorry Simon," Theodore replied, "but I'm so hungry....I've
gotta get some of that food!"             

    "THEODORE!!" his brother called out, but it was too late. His
brother had already raced over, climbed upon the human called Ranma,
and began eating some of the acorns tied to him.          

    Following the baby chipmunk's example, most of the others also
began to crawl over him and started to either eat or gather most of the
food bound to the boy's body. Unfortunately for Ranma, this brought out
a response in him that he didn't expect. "HEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA," he
bellowed. "S..stop it!..hehehe... that tickles!"          

    The chipmunks ignored him.   


                        OUTSIDE THE PIT          

    After closing the lid, Genma sat down and began his vigil. A small
pang of guilt rose up as he waited. Of course, he had to overreact to
it. "Am I such an awful father to do this to my only child!" he shouted
as he stood up. His voice was laced with anguish. Then Genma heard a
strange noise come from the pit.             

    "heheheh..." 

    "Oh, what tortures my son must endure!" he continued, completely
ignoring the laughter coming from where he had thrown his son. "But it
is for the Art!" 

    "HAHAHAHAHA..."         

    Genma then turned and stared at the source of the laughter. *Hmph,*
he thought as he sat back down, *At least he could SOUND like he's
being tortured....*   


                        ONE HOUR LATER

    *Everything's ready,* Genma thought as he gave a final look at the
net. He would need it to recapture Ranma when he came out of the pit.
Once Ranma was caught, he could start the treatment to remove the 'way
of the chipmunk' drawbacks. Namely, to return his son's mind from
thinking like a chipmunk to its own natural human thought patterns.
His thoughts were interrupted by the silence coming from the pit.
According to the instructions, that was the sign for the trainee's
learning of the way. Genma started to get the net.
 
     *It won't be long now.*

     Genma did not notice the various bushes that began to shake around
the campsite.
       

                            THE PIT

    Ranma looked at his two brothers. He didn't know when they had
become siblings but now he knew they were family. The other chipmunks
had also accepted him as one of their own. Ranma also knew one other
thing. They had to find a way to escape from the crazy human that had
captured them.             

    "Do you smell that?" One of the elder chipmunks said.        

    Ranma and the other instinctively started to sniff the air.
         
    "It smells like....they came!" another one shouted.             

    "That doesn't matter now!" a third one, dress in a five star
general's uniform, shouted. "We continue on as planned. Now remember,"
the chipmunk general continued as he pointed at Ranma. "Your job is to 
get them," the leader then pointed at Simon and  Theodore, "out of
here. I won't have civilian lives endangered on this escape attempt.
Are we clear?"        

    The other chipmunks(and Ranma) stood at attention and shouted
almost in unison: 
     
    "YES SIR!"

    "Alright then. We launch Operation Freedom in T-1 minute," he
stated. 

    "But General?" one of the other chipmunks said. "None of us wears a
watch."             

    "Don't bother me with details!" he replied.

    While the others 'discussed' this little problem, Ranma carefully
picked up the two baby chipmunks. "Don't worry brothers," he said,
"We'll find mama. I promise."   


            OUTSIDE OF THE PIT, ONE MINUTE (more or less) LATER             

THOOM!!!         

    Genma jumped in surprise as he watched the lid fly off the pit. He
recovered in time to see his son leap out and sprint towards the far
side of the encampment. Ranma's father also noticed that the chipmunks
were also climbing out.         
    Moving quickly, Genma began to run after his son, readying the net
to capture him. Unfortunately as he started to throw, something snagged
the end of it and sent him sprawling to the ground.         
    As Genma looked back, the martial artist saw the most unusual sight
he had ever seen in his life. Squirrels, rabbits, chipmunks and other
animals had grabbed the end of the net and were holding firm. Genma
then noticed three other things.
     
      The first thing Genma realised was the fact that they were not
alone. He saw numerous forest creatures around him, practically cutting
off all means of retreat. The second fact was that they were all VERY
angry but what had worried him the most was that all their rage was
directed at one target: Him!

    Genma knew he had to think quickly to escape this situation.
Unfortunately, all he could do was say:              
    "But it was for the Art."         

    Much to his surprise one of the animals, a deer, stepped forward
and said, "We don't care if it was for Art, Jim, Frank or anybody else!
You are gonna pay!"         

    Thing got rather painful and messy after that....

   
                IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS         

    Ranma didn't know how far he had run. However, the young martial
artist did know that he was extremely tired.  He looked down at his
chest and seeing that both of his brothers were already asleep, he
decided to get some rest also.         
    Spying a large tree hollow, he climbed up into it, then after
making sure it was safe curled up protectively around his siblings and
drifted off to sleep as well.   


                         HALF HOUR LATER              

    "SIMON!"
    "THEODORE!"
    "WHERE ARE YOU?" the worried mother chipmunk cried out as she
walked through the woods. She had been searching for her missing 
children since the strange human kidnapped them two days ago. The
rumour
was that the others in the chipmunk community had also been taken but
that didn't matter to her. All that she cared about is finding her
boys.
    Her thoughts were interrupted by a large crashing noise. She looked
up just in time to see a large human wearing glasses run past with 
about one thousand forest creatures chasing him. 

    Over the various angry exclamations of "GET HIM!", "Rip his head
off!" and "What about Ranger Smith, Yogi?" she could hear him scream,
"I'MSORRY!!I'LLNEVER,EVERDOITAGAIN!ISWEARONMYOATHASAMARTIALARTIST!HELP!
!!!!" 
      
      As Mother Chipmunk watched this spectacle unfold, the wind
shifted and brought a familiar smell to her nose. She sniffed once then
again, just to make sure.               

    "I..it's them!" she shouted.         

    Tears of joy ran down her face as she tracked the scent. A few
minutes later, she located the source. Her heart sped up with
anticipation as she scampered up the tree hollow. However, it almost 
stopped when she peered inside.         
    It wasn't the sight of her two sons that shocked the mother but the
sleeping human curled protectively around them. *How come I didn't
smell him?* she thought. The mother cautiously crept towards the human,
her whole body ready to attack him if he moved, and sniffed him. She
pulled back, her mind in some confusion over what the mother's senses
told her. *Strange,* she thought. He looks like a human but smells like
one of my children.* 

    Surprisingly though, a small part of her mind remarked that they
did look cute huddled up together.
    Before she could come to a decision about what to do, Theodore
choose that moment to wake up.

    "Where's breakfast?" the little chipmunk said, still half asleep
then his eyes focussed on the figure that stood at the opening.
   

    "MAMA!!" Theodore cried as he scampered toward his mother. "SIMON!
RANMA! MAMA'S FOUND US!"

     Simon woke up at the shout and stared at his mother. "Mother?
..MOM!" he said then joined Theodore as he went to his parent.
         
    Their mother met them half way and threw her arms around the two
children and gathered them in a hug.
 
    "Simon! Theodore! I thought I would never see you again!" she cried
out as the tears rolled down her cheeks.               

     "Our brother Ranma saved us!" Theodore said, also crying as they
embraced.                

    "Brother Ranma?" she said, the confusion started to resurface in
her mind but was cut short by a new sound.                

    "M...mama?" the new voice said. 

    She looked up and saw the young human staring at her, a look of
confusion, fear and joy mixed on his face. That expression alone told
her exactly what she was going to do. Moving Simon and Theodore to one
side, the mother held out her free paw to the boy. Then she spoke three
words with an authority that would of backed down the gods of Olympus:
"Come here....son."

    As she welcomed Ranma into her family, Mother chipmunk thought *Now
I have three sons! Even if the largest one is the ugliest chipmunk I
have ever seen.*

    A few minutes later, the family had decided to go back to their
home. After climbing out of the tree, they were assaulted by the a
horrible stench. The baby chipmunks had never experienced anything like
it.

    "What is that smell?" Ranma asked his new mother.

    Before she could answer, the human that went past her a while ago
ran in the opposite direction. He was still being followed but at a
somewhat longer distance. The smell practically centred on his body.
         

    "Nothing important," she replied as she watched the human run
through the brush. "Just someone who got introduced to Mr. Skunk."
        
     
                        MID-WINTER OF THAT YEAR        

    The wind howled as Mother chipmunk ran from the house where she had
left her children. As the tears streamed down her face, Mother chipmunk
knew that she didn't have a choice. Ranma's appetite had completely
depleted the food they had stored for winter as well as a few other
families reserves too. *Who would have thought that a chipmunk so
young, could eat so much!* she thought. With the storm coming and the
badgers they were staying with eyeing her largest son like a blue plate
special, it was the only thing she could have done to make sure her
children would survive.
    As she past the mailbox on her way into the woods, she glances at
the name painted on the side. Even though he had given them food
before, she still had her doubts. *I only hope that this 'David
Seville' takes good care of them.*

   
                            SIX YEARS LATER         

    As David Seville walked towards to dressing room, he couldn't help
but be a little nervous. *This was it,* he thought. *With the
world-wide simulcast, this concert is going to be the biggest the boys
have ever played! I hope they are up to it.* Reaching the dressing
room, Dave calmed himself opened the door.
 
    "Five minutes until curtain," David Seville said as he entered the
dressing room. "You boys ready?"

    Simon, a tall, thin chipmunk with glasses, looked up from the
'Advanced Mathematical Theory' book he was reading and smiled. "Sure,
Dave! Just let me save my place," he replied, absently adjusting his
glasses.          

    The second chipmunk, a large, chubby fellow (for a chipmunk, that
is) called Theodore, took a final bite of the apple he was eating and
threw it in the trash. 

    He said, "Re reafy rin ra rinete!"               

    "Theodore," David said with a sigh, "Don't talk with your mouth
full."

    Theodore blushed slightly then quickly swallowed his food. "I'm
sorry, Dave," he said. "I'll be ready in a minute."         

    Dave smiled at Theodore then he turned and looked at the third
member of the group. The handsome young man was leaning in a chair
already wearing his trademark Chinese clothes and baseball cap. He
didn't even notice Dave's presence as he talked on a cell-phone.
   

    "Ya babe! It'll fly! A three picture deal with us as the stars!
Each one will be a Mega-Smash!"               

    "Ranma?" Dave said. "What are you doing?"          

    Ranma seemed to ignore Dave's comment as he continued his
conversation. "And with the satellite simulcast of tonight's concert
being played all through Asia. It's a lock!"               

    "Ranma!" Dave said in another attempt to get his attention. 

    The musician waved him off as he continued his chat. "Think of the
merchandising! Action figures, food, bathrobes. Shoot! We can even sell
Ranma and the Chipmunks condoms!"          

    The three other members in the room froze at the mention of the
last item.

    "C-condoms?!?" Simon blurted out.               

    "What's a condom?" Theodore asked.

    Dave's face turned red with anger. He used it to fuel his voice.
"RAAAANNNMMMMAAAA! WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!?"          

    Ranma jumped up and spun around. He immediately saw the level of
anger that Dave was at and quickly decided that he really should quit 
while he was still alive...for the moment anyway. "I'llcallyouback!,'
Ranma blurted out as he hung up. He then looked at Dave. "Umm...Hi
Dave! What's up?" 

    Ranma's mind instinctively began to plot out a viable escape route
just in case he needed it.               

    "What were you doing..." before Dave could begin yelling at Ranma
again, he was interrupted by a knock on the door. It opened and one of
the backstage personnel leaned in.               

    "One minute to curtain people!" he stated then left. "Oh boy! I
didn't know we were running that late! Well, we gotta get out there 
and perform! Bye!" With those last words, Ranma Seville ran out of the
room almost running over his brothers during the attempt.
   
    "This isn't over Ranma!" Dave shouted after him. 


                      DURING THE CONCERT         

    Ranma and the Chipmunks gave perhaps the best performance of their
lives. The simulcast exposed them to a whole new audience and most of 
them found them incredible, especially two teenagers in a place called
Nerima, Japan.....   


                        TENDO HOUSEHOLD         

    Akane Tendo was mesmerised by the singer performing on the T.V. He
was like nothing she had ever seen before! Strong, handsome and has 
a voice like nothing she had ever heard  before! 
    "He's dreamy..." she whispered.           

    "I thought you didn't like boys, sis," her sister Nabiki, said
while smirking slightly.           

    "I DON'T!" she yelled back then replied in a calmer voice.  "But
he's not a boy! He's a rock star!" 
      
    Satisfied with her own answer, Akane returned her attention to the
screen. As she watched only one thought played over and over in 
her mind. *Wouldn't it be great if I was married to him?*   


                        KUNO MANSION         

    Kodachi Kuno watched with fascination at the singer on the screen.
*He is magnificent! What grace and beauty! Only he would be worthy 
of the Black Rose! I must have him!*   

    Others however, have a different opinion....

    Tatewaki Kuno glared at the television screen. *Feh! He is
pathetic!* Tatewaki thought as he turned off the T.V set. *He
caterwauls in a pathetic attempt to elevate his station in life but he
is nothing!*   

    And a small few took offence to Ranma personally....


                       DOWNTOWN TOKYO 

    With a sigh, a young man wearing a backpack slowly trudged through
the rain. *I wonder where I am now?* Ryoga Hibiki thought as he passed
an appliance store. Suddenly he heard something that made him pause. A
large T.V was on in the display window.            

    "We now return you to Ranma and the Chipmunks in concert!"       

    *Ranma?* he thought as Ryoga turned towards the sound. *Can it be?*
As Ryoga watched the performer, his anger began to grow. "All this time
I have searched for you..." he muttered then shouted, "AND YOU HAD FLED
TO ANOTHER COUNRTY!!! HAVE YOU NO HONOR!?!?" Ryoga calmed down a bit.
"It doesn't matter... I will find you... and when I do... YOU WILL
PAY!"            

    Ryoga looked around. "Now all I have to do is figure out which way
is America...."       

    But out of all the people who watched, only one would affect Ranma
in ways he could never imagine.... 

    He blinked twice and cleaned his glasses just to be sure. He had to
be sure. It had been a little over six years.        

    As the screen came into focus, Genma Saotome knew that his quest
was nearing a end. "Ranma... I've found you at last."


***********************************************************************
   

    "I don't get it," Oscir said.

    "I bet you don't get any... at least I HOPE you don't get any,"
Fidokaro replied.

    "No, me mean what happens next, and what's with the Way of the
Chipmunk?"

    "Well Yes, Ranma does take the place of Alvin here but there are
differences. First of all,  Ranma doesn't possess the Neko-ken 
ability but instead has 'The way of the chipmunk' which grants him
incredible speed and reflexes plus acute senses. Once Ranma starts
moving, he is almost impossible to touch much less hit. Secondly,
Ranma's personality is somewhat different than the mainstream Ranma. He
is more self-centred and since he has lived in stable homelife for six
years, he can relate to other people much better but Ranma can be 
tricked into almost anything by playing to his ego."
    Fidokaro took a deep breath. "Also, both Simon and Theodore are
martial artists. Simon is almost at a little below Akane's level at the
start of the Ranma 1/2 series. Theodore is below Simon."

    "Me listening,' Oscir said, doing no such thing.
   
   Fidokaro continued, despite Oscir's inattention. "Except for Akane,
everyone else acts the same way they do in Ranma1/2. Akane however is
another matter. Imagine your first crush, no matter who it was and then
get told you are going to marry them. This is what Akane is feeling.
Ranma is Akane's second big crush (Tofu being the first) so she will be
exceptionally sweet to him to the point where Ranma could take
advantage if he wanted too."

    "Let's see some bits from after, okay?" Oscir said, standing near
the exit and thus barring Fidokaro from fleeing, unless he wanted to
get close to Oscir, and no sane or even insane being would ever want to
do that.
   
FUTURE CHAPTERS

1. Ranma is reunited with his father
 
Genma: SON!

Genma runs over and hugs Ranma, who is confused.

Genma: At last I found you! Now get your things. We have to leave
soon....

Ranma: Do I know you?
  
Genma looks shocked.
  
Genma: It's me boy... your father.     

Ranma(sarcastically): Funny, you don't look like a chipmunk.     

Genma(disbelieving): You-- you're still under the influence of the
training.     

Ranma: Training?     

Genma ignores his question.     

Genma: FOR THE SAKE OF 'THE ART' I MUST SAVE YOU FROM THE TRAINING'S
SIDE EFFECTS!!     

At the mention of 'the art', Ranma remembers where he saw this guy
before and he isn't happy.     

Ranma: HEY! I remember who you are! You tried to keep me and all my
brothers in that dark....

(THUMP!)    

Genma hits Ranma with a mallet. Ranma falls unconscious. Genma then
picks him up and runs towards the docks.    

Genma: It is for 'the art'!    

Just as he says it two people walk out of a store and stare at him.    

Man: Well...looks like the nuts are out early this season.   


2. Ranma meets the Tendo's and has to pick a bride.    

Soun: Which one of my daughters do you want as you wife?    

Before anyone can say anything Akane lunges for Ranma.   

Akane (screams): HE'S MINE!!!

Akane latches on to Ranma for dear life. Unfortunately, her hug closes
off Ranma's air supply. Soun and Genma begin to celebrate. Kasumi and
Nabiki are surprised but Nabiki almost instantly recovers. Akane is
still holding on to Ranma with a glazed, happy look on her face. While
Ranma is gradually turning blue from lack of oxygen.   

Nabiki(deadpan): Well that's settled. Can I go now?   

Kasumi: Sister? While I am overjoyed that you like your new fiancé so
much, I think you should let go of him now.   

Akane (Upset but not letting go): But sis, Why?!   

Kasumi: I don't think he can breathe.   

Akane turns back to see Ranma with his eyes bugged out and a deep
bluish tint to his skin.   

Akane: Oh.   

Akane lets go. Ranma collapses to the ground and starts sucking in air.

Ranma: (Gasp).They...(wheeze) They're all.... (pant) insane!      


3. Dave arrives    

    Dave the other chipmunks find Ranma. The end result is that Dave
would have to stay in Japan with Ranma until a proper ruling can be
handed down. Genma will have visitation rights and spend all the time
trying to influence him that he is the better father. I'm not sure
where to go from here.
Kodachi kidnapping him a la Misery with Simon and Theodore mounting a
desperate rescue attempt to save their brother from 'a fate worse than
death?'   
    Uncle Harry could show up and conspire with Genma (for a proper
fee) to get Ranma back.   
    Kodachi vs. Akane for the right to be Ranma's no. 1 fan?     
    And what about Julia? She would feel that them 'stealing' a copy of
the training procedure is a insult that can't go unpunished. What if
her, Ukyo and Ryoga ran into Ranma at the same time? For that matter,
what about Tatewaki Kuno? He is most definitely not going to like Ranma
being at the same school much less the fact that Akane will be telling 
everyone that she is his fiancée!      
    Of course there will be a Chinese tour in which everyone would have
to come along. It would be complete with cursed training grounds,
Amazons and other wild events.
    Theodore could decide that Kasumi would be the perfect wife for
Dave (She can cook, and clean! She's pretty and she can cook and do
laundry and cook! Did I mention that she can cook?). Of course Dr. tofu
is not going to like this one bit. 
    And Simon may try to set Dave up with Ms. Hinako at the same time.
(Dave, she is intelligent and she is beautiful... about half the time
anyway) Ranma on the other hand, well he would either be trying to
break up their attempts (Are you two kidding?!?) or trying to set up
Dave with a female martial artist he could learn from... maybe Cologne
if she is there!(WHAT?!?) :)
    All three may attempt a little matchmaking.        
    Then there is the trial to see who is the legal parent for Ranma.
Kodachi would be attempting to influence the judge in Genma's favour
and
insuring he would stay in Nerima while Tatewaki Kuno may attempt to
influence the judge to side with Dave in the hope that he would Ranma
back to America and away from Japan (and Akane!). Add to the others
throwing their support for one or the other and you have a major mess!
     
    And what would Nodoka's reaction be to the whole mess?

Nodoka: YOU LOST OUR SON!?!   

Genma faints.
        
    "As for the ending?" Fidokaro asks. "Well, Ryoga marries Akane,
after Ranma elopes with Nabiki. Kodachi and Tatewaki are both committed
into institutions. Ukyo and Kasumi both become saints and Genma is
killed by a rampaging water buffalo because I am this fanfic's god and
I can do what I want!!"

    Nietzche taps Fidokaro on the shoulder. "You sure you want to say
that?"

    Fidokaro looks at the existentialist personification and asks, "Why
not?"

    "You may want to get out of here soon."

    "Why's that?"

    Nietzche leans in and whispers something into Fidokaro's ear.
Fidokaro looks at Nietzche, who just nods solemnly. Fidokaro runs off,
yelping and with his tail between his legs.


1/2 a God-- Omega


    "What was that about?" Oscir asked.

    "God's coming," Neitzche replied.

    "Which one?"

    "No, you misunderstand me, I said _God_ is coming. Don't you
remember my entry?"

    "Oh dear."

    "Quite."

    "He'll never get by the asterisk barrier, which separates us from
the fics! Why should I worry?" Oscir found that thought extremely
comforting.

    "Don't you remember what He said at the end? And Didn't you notice
something a little strange, as well?"

    Oscir did not, in fact notice anything strange, nor did it remember
the entry, fantasising as it was about its winning entry. However,
Nietzche did not seem the type to play mindgames, and so Oscir was
getting a little unsettled. 

    "This don't look too good," Oscir said, worriedly. "Where'd he
go? What'd he mean by putting a stop to this?"

    Nietzche just grinned and pointed behind Oscir. Oscir looked. 

    "Right here," the big 'G' God said, standing where Nietzche was
pointing.

    "Impossible! How did you get here! No one should be able to
break through the asterisk barrier!" Oscir cried out, afraid.

    "I'm going to put a stop to this. Meddling with the affairs of
humans, pissing around with timelines with this really smug
attitude and generally making yourselves feel big." God cracked His
knuckles, which echoed throughout the dimension like a thunderclap.

    "You just made a real big mistake, kitty." God smiled. So did
Nietzche, as God went Old Testament style on the hermaphroditic
feline being claiming divinity.

    "I don't know why you're grinning," the Supreme Being who,
short moments ago was called Ranma, said. "You're next, after all."

    Nietzche slowly backed away and tried to stall for time. "Er...
why? Let's be reasonable here. It was my change which allowed all
this and--" he was cut off by RNM.

    "Let's put it this way: if I don't exist, then this won't
really hurt, will it?" the Lord said, smiling.

    Nietzche really wasn't able to formulate an effective reply
after that. 

    "There, now that I'm done with that...." The Supreme Being was
momentarily distracted by the pool in which Oscir caused the
changes. "Hmmm. You know, I really hated when.... Oh, just this
once. What if this happened to Ranm--" there was a popping sound as
God made a change, which altered the timeline and Ranma never fell
into the Spring of drowned God. Of course, that meant that He never
became God and so never broke the aserisk barrier and none of this
actually happened.